As always, it's been a while. It seems I only really come to this site when something happens that really bothers me. Obviously, that's what this site is for, but still...

Ok, I'll just out with it.

My ex messaged me saying that he'd be open to hang out when he comes back home in August.

I just... it shouldn't affect me the way it does after two years but all I can feel is anger. HE cheated on ME. HE broke up with ME for not having sex with him the instant he wanted me to. HE broke up with ME because I wasn't convenient, and once he became official with the girl he was fucking behind my back he cut me out of his life completely. He unfriended me on facebook two days before my birthday. And NOW he wants to hang out. I don't even trust myself to reply, because I will lay the fuck into him like it's my job. Part of me is horrified by this, because honestly I don't feel like it should still sway my mood this much... but I haven't spoken to him since 2007, and he just BAM pops out of the woodwork. And what's worse? MY HEART FUCKING FLUTTERED. After EVERYTHING that happened to it at his hand. God, I don't even want to look at myself, I'm so ashamed.

It should be noted that there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY that anything will happen between us EVER again, despite my heart's incessant urge to betray itself over and over. And yet, I want to hang out with him, for one reason if nothing else.

And that would be, arrogantly enough, that I would want him to see what he gave up. I'm 15 lbs lighter and leaner than I was when we dated, and I know, if nothing else, that I have swagger. And no offense, but he cheated on me with a girl my height and nearly twice my weight. He may be a chubby chaser, but I wouldn't even care. If he could just see me now, what I've become, how I've changed, I'll be content. Because I've grown, for better and worse, and it's far beyond anything he deserves.

Still though... my little self pep rally doesn't change the fact that he's arrogant enough to think he can swing a second chance at a relationship with me. Wouldn't it be the greatest, then, to be the one to turn him down?

Damn straight it would.

Special K, out!

I understand that you're angry. Either that or you don't give a shit, either way, it sucks.

I did not appreciate the way you laughed at me while I told you, crying, that what had happened had hurt me. I also did not appreciate how you told me that I had no right to feel that way.

This is the way I interpreted what happened, and how it made me feel. You can do whatever the fuck you want with this, I'm just putting it out there.

You said you've always found me attractive, and on more than one occasion asked me if I wanted to hook up, and when I said no you backed off. We became really close, and here's the killer... I did trust you. I wouldn't have changed my mind and done anything if I didn't.

This is why I was so shocked when, the day after, I found out not only that you were planning to get back with your ex, but that you had been hooking up with her before anyway. So... how am I supposed to believe that you had no intention of being with her when we hooked up when you hooked up with her the day before? THAT is what aroused my suspicion, and to be honest, it made me feel like a whore. It really did...

It was like that analogy you gave me earlier about Nick. You said he was like Indiana Jones, dodging the boulders and escaping the traps to get to me, the golden statue. And right when he picked it up, he had it, he put it back and said, "Nah, I don't want it anymore." Granted, my feelings for Nick were different than my feelings for you. I didn't expect or want a relationship to come out of this or anything. I just didn't expect to be dropped like a fucking sack of potatoes less than 24 hours later. Especially from you. Because on more than one occasion you told me how you'd always be there for me, and that you cared about me, and that it would take more than that to push you away.

Obviously not. Obviously just my mere interpretation of the events was enough to send you running.

You never even apologized for hurting me. To my knowledge you don't think you did anything wrong. And that breaks me, because I trusted you not to drop me, and you did. I never thought you were the type, and to an extent, I still don't. But you seem unwilling to remedy this, saying on myspace that you have your bff and your gf and you hope to find the third person... So I've been replaced? So just after that one little episode you are willing to throw up your arms and say: Fuck it! Let her come to me!

Let me tell you something. If you don't want to actively remedy this, then neither do I. I'm not gonna tenaciously defend something I love if you don't give a shit. I am sorry if I hurt you, but again, I don't know how I did... You claim that I didn't trust you, that you earned it and I didn't provide it. Here's the thing, you were the ONLY guy I trusted. That's why I told you everything raw, because I trusted that you would listen to me and reassure me, not argue with me and storm out of the fucking room.

Whether or not you care, something broke in me then. I was more hurt by your uncaring reaction than I have been in a while and yeah, the trust I had in you has been shaken, I won't lie. I want to believe that you want to be friends... But then again, if you can just sit back and make me fix it... I don't know... If you feel I can be replaced then maybe I don't want to remedy this. I've confided in you how hard it is for me to trust, and how much someone must mean to me if I do... so the fact that you've just left... the exact thing every other guy does, really does break my heart.

That's all I really have to say. I'm sorry this ever happened...

So, to those that are expecting me to write an entry, this is not the entry I said I was going to write. Since that problem got resolved, more or less, last night, I think it's time I let out one of the real reasons why I tend to be as moody as I am. You may think I'm a bitch, you may think I'm selfish, you may think I'm ungrateful. That's fine. I probably am all of those things. But as of right now, I don't care.

I am a consolation prize.

I always have been. And I was fine with it until recently. I was contented to be the runner up in case the true victor fails. Because then I would prove myself and then I would be the winner next time, right? Well, no actually. No matter how many times I prove myself, it doesn't matter. I am still never good enough for that number one spot for a multitude of reasons. And to be perfectly honest? I'm fucking exhausted.

I am absolutely tired of people's trains of thoughts going: "Well, so-and-so failed me, but at least I have Kristen." At least. At least. "You're not what I wanted, but you'll do for the time being until I do get what I've wanted."

Thanks. Glad I could help. I'm glad I could be the perpetual stand-in until something better comes along. I'm glad that being number 2 keeps me from being lonely all of the goddamn time. (Oh, and that last line was a lie.) I get really fucking lonely. I have a bunch of friends, but when I'm feeling this way, I don't want to be with any of them. Know why? Because I'm their consolation prize, the honorable mention that's acknowledged for their dedication but never awarded the grand prize for it.

In case the metaphor is lost, I'm talking about having a best friend.

I have a group of best friends, but I haven't had a best friend since middle school. I'm talking about: "If something happens you're the first person I want to tell. When I want to do something social you are the first person I want to call. We know everything about one another." Yeah, that. My last best friend just stopped talking to me once we got to high school, after we made a promise to remain close. Cute, right? Since then I've just hung around a pair of best friends fighting vainly to prove that I'm a better friend than one of them. Obviously it's done little good for my cause, and done more exhausting the ever-living shit out of me.

Apparently, I'm not really good at being a best friend.

But holy shit am I good at being the runner up. I'm an awesome fallback. I'm the perfect person for which to settle.

What sucks the most about it, is that I'm stuck here. I won't leave, because I know that no one is going to chase me. And for all of you that say you would, I'm sorry but I'm in a really unbelieving mood. You might contact me later to see how I'm doing, but if I walk away, I'm always just let go. Someone can always find another me. Guess the runner up is every bit as expendable as she thinks she is. Guess that's why no one remembers the silver medalist.

I don't claim to be the best friend anyone could ever ask for; because I know I'm not. But still, a part of me can't help but feel second rate all of the time. And after all of the best friend drama I've been privvy to over the course of my life, can you blame me? I've seen best friends make a conscious effort to tear each other apart, and I've been the one to stand loyal by one of them, but at the end of the day the best friend is still the best friend. Nothing's changed. And I don't know why I'm trying to change it. That's a lie. Yes I do. I want that. Not the intentional sabotage, fuck that. But to have that person that's just as loyal to you as you are to them.

And I'm sure no one will, but if someone is at all inclined to comment on this saying that I am their best friend, please spare me. I know who your best friends are because I've been here watching it the entire time. I've been there to comfort you or to help you or advise you as best I could when things with the best friend go wrong, but I still end up being just a tag-a-long. Please don't try to justify yourselves either. I'm not in a mood to constructively take what you're going to say. Whether you want to soften the blow or not, two=2. No matter how you spin it that's the message. And I get it. So best just let it lie. I'm not interested in being reminded of my standing.

I told you this would sound selfish and ungrateful. And looking back on it I'm pretty sure it does. I also told you I didn't care. After all, in the grand scheme of life, no one remembers the one with the silver draped around their neck...

Holy fucking shit I cannot believe I fell for it again. GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!! SON OF A BITCH WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!??!?!?!

That's it. I'm swearing off men for a long as time. It's just not worth it.

Ok, it's been a while since I wrote anything on here, but after the summer or so I've had, I just needed to do this. I would like to rant today about boys who think they're men.

The first thing I think I need to address is "nice guys". Not the real nice guys who are genuine, I know a few of those. I'm talking about those guys that I always tend to be attracted to, that spin the same shit that I fall for every time. "I'm different. I'll open doors for you. I care about relationships. I want to be in a relationship. I care about you." The same shit, every time. I don't know why I don't see it coming anymore. Because while a lot of guys out there say this, as soon as they realize that sex is a long ways off, they cut and run. As soon as I kiss them, they leave. As soon as I love them, they're out the door. I have had it with these guys. One of my friends told me last night that a lot of guys, when they see a woman they find attractive or appealing, will gauge what type of men she's interested in, and put on that skin like it's a Halloween costume. They'll dance around the girls spouting whatever they know will get them action, and girls, let's be honest, we fall for that shit like it's nobody's business. We want to believe that real nice guys are out there, and so we trust these men. We get so easily manipulated by their constant charm and affection that we believe it to be the beginning of a relationship. We think we've found one of the good ones.

But no.

As soon as we let down our guard. As soon as we really start to fall for them, something happens. As soon as we allow them access to even a portion of our bodies, they change. The instant they get that physical gratification (what they were after all along in this pursuit), they shed that costume like it's going out of style. And then we, who really genuinely cared for him, end up getting really hurt. I don't even want to think about how many times this has happened to me, with varying extents.

Guys, let's be frank here. Don't tell us you don't know what women want. You know exactly what we want, because you spoon feed it to us until we're happy, and then yank the rug out from under us and split. You ever wonder why girls are such bitches to some guys? Well, it's probably because she's encountered a least a couple of 'nice guys' like you before, and she's onto your game. You know the saying "behind every bitch is a man that made her that way"? For the most part... I agree with that. Personally, I have become a much bigger bitch to men because I am so tired of being hurt, and I'm so tired of being taken advantage of.

Now I don't want it to sound like there are no men in my life that I love or trust, because that's not true. I have two really close guy friends who I know really love me for who I am. And they try to smell out the 'nice guys' to protect me. So I know there are nice guys out there, and I am the luckiest girl in the world to have found not one, but two of them.

Another problem I have with boys is their arrogance. I'm not talking about the guys who jokingly say "yeah i'd tap that shit" or something to that effect. I'm talking about the boys that have a beautiful, smart, loyal girl, and hold her up like a prize before tossing her nonchalantly on the shelf next to the other beautiful girls, telling themselves that this was only the tip of the iceberg, and that they can do better each time. I can't even put into words the way this makes my blood boil. Chances are, boys, if you do this, you don't deserve any of them, and I pray to God that one day when you're older, you'll realize how selfish you were in your pursuit of poon, and how many hearts you broke to get there.

I really don't like how angry this sounds right now. I attribute my tone to the recent shortcomings of another 'nice guy' I had feelings for. I want to be fair, and I do know that there are some girls who are just like these guys, and I don't like them either. When did relationships become a competition? When did sex become the thing that validated individuals and not something to be treasured and intimate? When did love become less important than instant gratification? I don't really know exactly, but I can't wait until society shifts back to basic human decency. Now, the dating scene has become a festering cesspool of drunken hookups and loveless fucking. Doesn't make me want to get in a relationship soon, that's for sure.

The thing I hate most about boys right now, more than either of the aforementioned, is their apathy. Guys have to make sure they're in with other guys. I know. What blows me away, is how, despite general morality telling them something completely different, men don't seem to care about when they're doing at all. Telling small white lies to get to know someone is natural. Everyone does it. But completely rearranging your personality on a whim just for some sex and then reverting back to your old self just to leave? No one sees anything wrong with that?! Dear GOD. If guys feel like what they're doing is completely justified, I have officially lost hope in the male gender. I cannot deal with those boys who live to seduce and then mindfuck girls anymore. I just can't. It's bad enough that I've already become suspicious of almost every guy that says hi to me. I don't want to believe that my paranoid suspicions are actually justified.

Personally, I can't wait until this adolescent "fuck everything that moves" phase is over. I mean, most men eventually get married, so I assume most of them grow out of it at some point. But until then, I'll be standing on the sidelines. And I hope that when the right nice guy finds me, he's prepared for a bit of a challenge. Because at this point, to win my heart, he has a lot to prove.

So, I ended up going to the midnight showing of Dark Knight as a surprise from one of my friends, and OH MY GOD. I just had to say that it was SO incredible. Heath Ledger scared the hell out of me, and the reviews were right, it is really disturbing when it comes to exploring human nature, as well as the psychological torture that one can endure...

*SPOILERS TO FOLLOW!! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SPOILED STOP READING NOW!!!*

Okay, so Aaron Eckhart's Harvey Dent/Two-Face was really frightening, and he did a great job slipping from Gotham's Golden Boy to a near serial killer. I felt really badly for him; he just seemed like the most naive, but headstrong fighter for justice, and then he got pwned halfway from Sunday by that massive explosion. Although I was a little sad that he was killed after like forty minutes of evil screen time... I sort of expected him to be the main villain in the third Batman movie, since unfortunately Heath cannot reprise his role. But, I guess its' time for either the Riddler or Mr. Freeze to step up, or something. Quite frankly, I have no idea how they can even think of recasting the Joker after Heath. I honestly don't think anyone else could scare me like that. He set the bar.

On a more random note, the soundtrack was awesome. Hans Zimmer is my hero. Some bits sounded a lot like Dead Man's Chest soundtrack, but I can forgive him, because the rest of it was fantastic. I downloaded about half of it the minute I got home from the theater. Kudos Mr. Zimmer, you consecutively make soundtracks I cannot help but adore.

But now to the main point, Heath Ledger. For those out there like myself, who thought he was nominated for an Oscar simply because the role consumed him, I strongly suggest taking it back. He was absolutely terrifying. What was the most frightening about him was that he was SO nonchalant about killing people. I lost sleep over one scene where the Joker performs a 'magic trick' by making a pencil disappear. He slams it into a table, eraser side up, and then grabs some guy's head and slams it down on top of it, then lets him fall to the ground. Needless to say, the instant I realized the pencil was no longer in the table, I cringed. And the Joker didn't bat an eyelash. Creeeeeeepy. I also loved how he kept making up stories about how he got the scars on his face, because from what I hear that was akin to his character in the comics, who doesn't remember who he really is or how he got this way and whatnot. I also loved how he tested human nature with the whole ferry ordeal. Holy shit was I on the edge of my seat. I would say hands down Heath deserves that Oscar, for flat out being one of the most frightening villains ever. I was near tears when I got out of the theater for two reasons 1) because I had finally seen Heath's last finished work, and 2) because he could never reprise that role. (I feel like such a bitch saying that). But he was so brilliant, I feel like no one else can do it better. Still, I think this was his best work. Hands down.

(btw, icon belongs to piratelass23 on livejournal.)

All right, I know this is about ten different kinds of pathetic, but whatever, I just want to get this out.

THANK YOU BRAD SWAILE. OH MY GOD. You had the potential to go SO WRONG in the last episode and fuck over the entire dubbed series of Death Note, but you DIDN'T.

This may sound kinda sad, but when I first started watching Death Note, I watched the subtitles, so it was Mamoru Miyano I was listening to. And when he did The Laugh in the last episode, I got chills. It was so creepy, and represented (to me) a complete loss of Light's composure and a signal to his inevitable downfall. It's a rare thing that the protagonist in a series is such a massive villain, and even rarer is his descent so completely full of crazy, (hysterical crazy).

So, I've been waiting for the dub to catch up to it for a while, and about 2 hours ago, it did. And I anticipated and feared this laugh until then. Let's face it, no one can really beat Mamoru's laugh. It was the original and whatnot. But I made myself believe the dub would kill it, because then I wouldn't be so vastly disappointed. But tonight, when I heard it... it was AWESOME. Brad Swaile did a FANTASTIC job (imo) of capturing the same type of insanity while making it his own. He wasn't TRYING to be Mamoru... which totally would have made it suck.

So, once again, from a fan who's waited a while to see/hear it.. THANK YOU SWAILE. I appreciate you not fucking up one of my favorite parts of the series. You win teh internetz.

As you probably know, I am a very avid writer. I've been doing it since 6th grade, and I have no intention of stopping. Ever. I always knew it was what I was born to do. Sometimes family or friends ask me how I write, or how I come up with the ideas and traits of my characters. And to be honest, I never really thought about it. I always just sat back and let my imagination figure it out. But I realized, the more I thought about it, that there is a definite pattern to how I work, and how my characters are born. And so, I guess, I'll write it down.

Let me first visualize what I feel like my subconscious looks like when it comes to my characters. In my mind, there is a hierarchy. Picture it as Medieval England, Ancient Rome, or even Ancient Egypt if you wish. It's your preference.

At the very bottom are the peasants/slaves, the 'paragraph' characters as I call them. They are conveniences,  and normally do not have names. They might point the main characters in a good or bad direction, but then they vanish and you never see them again. They clamber at the bottom of the totem pole, but my apathy for their existence forbids them from climbing up that social ladder.

Above them are the plot points, the merchants of my mind. They find their worth in the goods they produce for me, and they are usually named, if only a first name. There are quite a few of them over the course of my series, probably at least 40, maybe even more. Usually these merchants warrant a physical description, and they might even be related to a character in a higher social class.

Next in line are the characters that could be compared to priests and priestesses. Usually they are sources of wisdom, and recurring characters in my stories. Sometimes they have certain otherworldly power, but other times they are just the character that bestows knowledge and insight upon those characters of mine that are quicker to act than they are to think. They are named, usually with a first and last name, and sometimes a title might preface that. They are described with much more detail than those of the merchants, and their integrity as a character is far more important to me than just a certain bit of information the less important characters usually provide. These characters are the lower section of the nobility, and as such I tend to have an affinity for them. This group of characters is the first section I tend to get emotionally attached to, and I don't quite know why other than they are significantly more developed than any group that came before them.

The second highest rank would be the nobility, the fully fleshed out supporting characters who have a strong relationship with the main characters. The amount of description and prevalence they have in a series would be interpreted as physical wealth, thus the reasoning for their metaphorical social class. They might have a relationship with one of the main characters (romantic or otherwise), or they might be in the main group of people a main character confides in. And while the story might not be seen through their POV at any point (and I mean their observations simply, rarely any parts of my stories are in 1st person), they are usually present, and always important and essential to the plot.

And then there's the highest rank. The Kings and Queens, Emperors and Empresses, or Pharohs if you prefer. The main characters. They command all of the lower levels, because it is their stories that must be told, and all the supporting characters must bend to their will (or if they're antagonists, challenge them). Usually there will be between 1 and 3 main characters in a story. One is the hero, the other is usually the love interest, and if a third is present at all, they might be either a sibling of the hero, or an opposing love interest. Either way, they are not only fully fleshed out, but fully explored. And to be perfectly honest, they more often then not have a life of their own. They are the only group of characters that as the writer I take dictation from. And these guys are the group closest to my heart.

Now, enough about me rambling about my inner hierarchy. By now you're probably bored to tears, so I'll move on to the actual process.

It starts with a thought. It always does. A little "What if...?" question that somehow muscles its way past the hundreds of characters in the back of my mind that are perpetually scrambling for my immediate attention. And now, after prefacing this with the whole image of the hierarchy, you can see how loudly a new idea has to cry for me to notice it at all. Usually, they come in the form of a dream, or if not, from a melody. Every one of my characters is either born from my illogical subconscious or from a song. I've never just sat back in silence and went, "Hey, wouldn't it be nice if..." Well, I have... but it's really never produced anything of merit.

And that's not to say that my final characters are the only ones I've ever created. There are a few characters that from birth to death I latch onto and plan to make great. However, I am by nature a character cannibal.

Names, places, powers, dialog (rarely), even character designs, have been ripped from the dead carcass of the old, dead stories and given to the young, budding ones that just need small bits of information to grow big and strong. So in a way I guess I cheat, because my series of 8 has stolen from all of the failed stories that came before it. Granted, I'm all right with it, because as I've grown as a writer, my style has changed, and sometimes I like incorporating old ideas into a new project. And let's face it, coming up with completely original names can get really tiring after a while. If I can't re-use plots (which I don't... I refuse) I'll spoil myself with a name or two.

So after a thought cries at me for a while, and I decide I want to make it a full-fledged idea I go through a brainstorming stage. It usually lasts between two and five days, and it's usually all I can think about. I wonder where this character or this scene can go. And of course, my mood has to be right for it. No matter how much I might want to, I can never write about a forgiving and kind person when I'm really angry. My mood must match the idea, and music can help me accommodate that. I play with all sorts of ideas, and I toy with lots of dialog and such. Sometimes, by the end of this process, I abandon it, seeing that it will go nowhere. That happens more often than not, and usually I'll just break it down into the stuff I really want and incorporate it into a pre-existing story that way. This is the last chance to turn back in my mind. It is the point of no return, because after this, I get stuck on ideas.

The main stage is the writing stage. Now that I've determined to keep this idea, I'll do everything in my power to make it not only perfect, but  seamlessly placed into the plot that until that point had survived fine without it. This takes a looooong time, and I have a long list of scenes on my computer that I have yet to incorporate into the final draft of the story. But, this is the part I enjoy most. I make playlists to make it easier to write the scene or create the character. Maybe I'll continue to have dreams about them. It's been known to happen. Plots and characters have introduced themselves while I've slept, and told me what was going to happen in my stories. I find it bizarrely prophetic, but it makes my life easier because I'm rarely ever stumped on how I want a story to go.

Once I feel as though I've written something of merit, I save it and store it away in my computer until I'm inspired enough to want to fix it. And then, the editing process begins. In any given editing period, I could be typing furiously for up to 5 hours straight. Or, I could be staring out a window, waiting for a line to strike me as useful while music blares out my headphones. (I only do this at night, by the way. Most of my writing has been done when the sun has already settled down.) This process could take even longer than the writing part, because as much as I love to edit, when I'm not inspired I feel as though everything I edit will be for the worse. During this period, all of my other characters 'hibernate'. I put that in quotes because they really are never that far from my thoughts, but I basically shut down my progress in their stories in order to work on the one that yearns for my attention the most. I will say this: when my stories are published, I will never be able to read them again, because I would be tempted to edit more, and it would drive me nuts that I couldn't.

That is my process basically. I cannot get more detailed than that because it changes sometimes. But that is the trend I have noticed most, and that is how my mind works in my story mode.

So yeah... epiphany done...  =P

Ok, so yesterday my friend Justine and I decided to go to the shore for the day. It was a beautiful day to go, so we thought it was going to be the perfect girl's day.

Well, this was my day yesterday in a nutshell, but let me just say that I will be making a memoir about this day, and while this is just basically a play by play, be prepared for a buffed up prose version later on lol.

We left her house at around 11, and it was literally 100 degrees outside. She turned on the air conditioner full blast as we started driving, however two of the four vents were not working, so inside the car it was a balmy 86 degrees. Not cool. Then we sat in traffic for about a half hour. Not bad traffic, but with the sun beating down on the car (a subaru forrester) it was not pleasant. We finally got there around noon, and parked our car in the corner of a lot.

It was $6.50 to get on the beach, and we wanted to keep our budget under $20. We are pretty much broke after all. So we get on the beach, green wristbands around our left wrists. We spread our stuff out on the sand, and it was now 104 degrees. We decided to take a dip first, just to cool ourselves off. Well, the water was 62 degrees. 62!!! Oh my GOD. We stepped in the water and it HURT. We went in for like.... five minutes, and came out completely numbed. (That made sunbathing a little easier, lol.)

Then this douchebag of a guy and his quiet, tolerant girlfriend sit like ten feet from us. Because Justine and I are just THOSE kinds of girls we decided to eavesdrop lol. We masqueraded as sleeping sunbathers, but really, we were snickering and listening in on everything this muscle-headed guido had to say. We heard him say, "I wanna live this life of like... booze  and chicks, but with Bill Gates's bank account. I could live in a huge mansion, get wasted all the time, and have like 23 girlfriends... but you'd be my number one, baby." Later on, he said: "Baby it's so hard for me to get wasted now. I've had 33 shots once and not felt a thing." At that, I fought the urge to stand up and be like: BULLSHIT!! YOU'RE A LIAR!! He said lots of other stuff too, but that was really about the only PG stuff we overheard, and I don't feel like tainting people's minds with it.

So, we decided to go back in the water. It was freezing, but it felt sooooooo good after being in the dry heat for a few hours. When Justine left to go to the bathroom, I just kinda chilled in the water. Of course, because it's me, and I fall down everywhere, I tripped and crashed under a wave. My hand dragged along the bottom, and I ended up picking up the most amazing stone ever. I know this sounds so lame and cliche and stuff, but it's true! It was a perfect oval pebble, pure white, with a gray crack in the middle that spread out like a star. It was so pretty! So, I just stood in the water, running the pebble over in my hand. (And yes, I kept it. It's now in my room.)

After that, around like 5, we wanted to get a snack before we could go home and get dinner. So we got ice cream and a pretzel and sat on the boardwalk. My Italian blood had kicked in, and I was taaaaaaaaan (finally, dear lord lol) It was almost a perfect day, I couldn't believe it.

But then... we went to get back to the car. And... it wouldn't start. The key got stuck in the ignition, the engine wouldn't turn over, and it was fail. So we called AAA, (it is now about 5:30 and we are about two hours from home) and they said they'll be able to get us at 6:15. Well, 6:15 rolls around... NO ONE IS HERE. We occupied ourselves in the car in the most ridiculous of ways. We lit matches and threw them outside, we found makeup and timed how long it took to dry on skin if not rubbed in, we watched ice melt in a water bottle (I shit you not), and to so depressed that we had to wait that we ate zeppoles (nothing like oil, flour, and sugar to cheer you up I guess lol.) Since the car couldn't lock since the keys were stuck in the ignition, we just had to sit there... for two hours. They finally show up around 8, load up the car, and we cram ourselves into the front seat with a driver named Steve. (Now keep in mind, Steve has to drive us basically two hours to the garage near Justine's house, and it's getting late, so he's not that much of a happy camper if you know what I mean...)

But, we make friendly conversation with him anyway, tell him how we've known each other since birth, how we're both writers, how our mom's are best friends, etc. Turns out he's been dating a Korean girl for six years, and she has one helluva green thumb. Not to mention she can pick out four leaf clovers in a field almost instantly.

As we're getting closer to home, we realize that we're making really good time. We've made it 3/4 of the way in about an hour. And then, we look up at the sky. The ENTIRE sky is covered with dark thick clouds, and rain begins to pelt down. Not to mention I counted at least 50 lightning bolts before stopping. And I'm not counting all the flashes. I'm talking about full on bolts that you can trace from the sky down to the ground. Did I mention that I'm petrified of storms like that? So we finally get to the body shop where we're gonna leave Justine's car. $200 for the tow ($4 per mile), and $40 for tolls round trip. Needless to say, our budget for $20 a day had failed in the worst way. Now, I was originally going to drive home that night, but instead, since lightning had taken out more than half the traffic lights in the town, and since the road was still slick with about, oh... 6 inches of rain, I slept over Justine's, was FINALLY able to get a shower around 10:15-10:30,  watched some TV, drove Justine to work in the morning, and drove home.

Dear sweet LORD, it's been a looooong couple days. And just wait 'till I write this as a memoir instead of just a play by play. I smell the stench of EPICNESS.

I'm going to go nap now...

So, lately I've been uninspired to write very much (and by write I don't mean that rant lol. I mean my stories), and it makes me really sad. Writing is one of the few things I know I'm going to do for the rest of my life. It's what I was born to do, and the fact that everything I've written in the past month has been crap makes me really irritated.

Does anyone have any good techniques for drawing inspiration? All of mine seem to have run dry at the moment and I would really love to do something productive tonight in terms of writing. =(

Let me preface my rant by saying that the way I dress and act and the way I am can sometimes vary greatly. I shop where it's trendy to shop, I drink Starbucks and enjoy it, and I also really love dressing up and looking good. If you saw me walking around in a mall, I would not stand out. I'm the average young woman by all accounts. And that's fine with me. But when I don't conform to exactly what society says the young woman should be my friends started dropping hints at me that I was 'weird', and quite frankly, I'm tired of people making comments about it.

If being the normal girl means I go out drinking every weekend, have a promiscuous sex life, and starve myself, I don't want it. (Granted, I'm not saying that if you don't do any of these you're not normal; I am merely dismantling the stereotype of normal.) I do drink sometimes, but only when it's a special occasion and I want to. I don't need alcohol to have fun. As for sexual promiscuity, I think that trend is fucking retarded. When did it become okay for women to just throw their inhibitions to the wind and just screw random guys as a testament to their popularity? I absolutely hate girls who define themselves by how many men they've had or how many men want them. It's sick, and I have no tolerance for those people. Also, the overbearing desire to be a size zero scares me. I know it's for fashion and all, but it's so unhealthy, and honestly, even if I hated the way I looked in front of a mirror, I love food way too much to just cut it out of my life like that. In those respects, I'm glad I don't fit the mold.

But that's not what I'm here to rant about. What's pissing me off, is that people think less of me because I have a nerdy side, which is just ri-goddamn-diculous.

I still play Pokemon; it's my guilty pleasure. I love video games. I could play them all day and just have the time of my life. And I would take an action/adventure movie before a romantic comedy any day of the freaking week. All of that a lot of my closest friends no longer tease me about. But that's just the tip of the iceberg, I guess. According to a few of them, I have one unforgivable flaw. And that is that I love anime.

Let me first explain why I love it so that the rest of this rant will make sense. I am an avid writer, and currently have a series of 8 books that I'm working on. I get excited over character development, and there's not much I love more than a well-written piece (poem, book, movie, etc.) I love stories that make me think, ones that raise poignant and relavant issues, and I want to get attached to the characters and empathize with them. And one thing I also love about it, it has a plot. It's not some half-realized idea that the producer will milk for all it's worth for upwards of nine seasons just because. With the exception of Naruto (which I refuse to watch because it goes on for fucking ever), an anime series will only have a small number of episodes. Hellsing had 13, Fruits Basket and Trigun had 26, Death Note had 37, and Fullmetal Alchemist even had 51. Of course there are the epic animes like Inuyasha (which I watched for its angst), Yu Yu Hakusho, Bleach, Dragonball, etc. And to be honest, I don't really watch those that much. I don't like seeing a show drag on forever. I think of anime like a movie broken up into segments. By the end, the main conflict has been resolved (And I'm talking about a conflict relavant to episode 1, not just a string of conflicts that just pop up to keep the story going.) I also think that the expressions and character designs, while they may be unrealistic, can also be really funny. Not to mention, I am a huge lover of fantasy, and anime executes fantasy pretty flawlessly. Not too many primetime shows deal with anything fantasy (usually they'll stick with science fiction), so I get my fix that way. Oh, and also, some animes have amazing music. When I do my writing, I usually have instrumental themes playing through my headphones so that I can focus, and I defy you to find a better instrumental soundtrack than Inuyasha or Fullmetal Alchemist. (And don't say classical, because those pieces aren't meant to be background music.)

Anyway, I started watching Toonami in middle school. Yu Yu Hakusho was my favorite back then, and it was the show that really introduced me to anime. (I'd watched Pokemon first, but I never really knew it was anything different than average Western cartoons.) I liked watching the awesome fight scenes to the cheap early 90's synthesizer music. You can laugh all you want, but it was eye-opening to me, and I got really attached to the characters. This was a whole new way of experiencing a real story unfold, I thought. (Ironic, considering Yu Yu Hakusho was one of those epic animes that didn't actually have a real full on plot.) When some of my friends found out, they taunted me about it, saying that I didn't even know what the show's name translated to (I did, I told them, it was Ghost Files); not to mention that they were in shock that I would even think of watching something translated when there were cartoons in America. I stopped watching it for a while, because I wanted their approval. I'd watch Adult Swim still, but that was mostly to keep up with Family Guy, one of the few shows without a plot I like. When I was in high school though, my step-sister showed me Inuyasha, and the craze started back up again. Inuyasha, although it drags on forever and can get frustrating at times, was really creative, and it definitely got me my fantasy fix.  When my friends found out about that, they said stuff like: "You watch that? Wow, I didn't know you could be such a loser. Cartoons are for children."  That was my favorite response: Cartoons are for children.

You know what, on some level, they're absolutely right. Western cartoons are for children specifically, and trust me, you won't see me waking up just to watch Spongebob on Nickelodeon. But anime contains adult themes. I don't remember the last time Spongebob cut someone's head off with a katana, or grabbed a woman's butt (and that's in anime's meant for teenagers. Hentai to me is just sick and disgusting and not even worth putting in the same category as the rest of these shows). But anime is part of a culture that sees it more as the main form of visual entertainment as opposed to live action, which is what America prides itself on. And trust me, I don't hate on live action movies or anything... I don't only watch anime. It's just a chunk of what I tend to turn on when watching TV.

Now, I'm not saying that you MUST love anime or anything. It's not everyone's cup of tea, and that's absolutely fine. I'm not ranting to convert anyone or force someone to go to an anime convention, because to be honest, I don't go to those either.

Usually though, people dislike it for one or more of these reasons: 1) it's a cartoon and big people don't watch cartoons, 2) the stories make no sense, 3) the mouths only move up and down and it pisses me off , or 4) it's an inferior to American animation.

Well, I already made my opinion clear about the first one, and I can understand if people feel that way. After all, that's how we were raised in our culture, with cartoons being for the kids and live action for adults. The second I can also completely understand, because a lot of nuances in Japanese culture are involved in an anime, and perhaps as a Westerner I don't comprehend the true meaning of some of the names, phrases, and customs. However, I still don't find my lack of knowledge inhibiting my ability to be entertained. And usually plots fill in most of those holes anyway. Number three is something that I didn't even notice until someone pointed it out to me, and even then it was easy to overlook; so if that's someone's main problem, I'd say they were really picky. And as for number four... this one really pisses me off. It may be different from American animation in that the color pallet, character design, and shading is different, but I hardly think that makes it automatically inferior. Wake up America; just because it's not created by us doesn't mean it can't be good. Animation takes an incredible amount of work, and if I hear one more person say it's easier because the mouths only move up and down, I'm gonna tear my hair out. Yes, I'm sure that makes it a little easier, but you know what, so what? Does something being easier automatically make it inferior? Also, what they don't animate in mouth movements, they make up for in shading. American cartoons usually have a shadow, but no natural light color differentiation or anything. So don't give me that crap.

It also really bothers me that those who watch anime are usually stereotyped. I know that could be said for any community, but being out of high school I thought this stereotyping shit was over and done with. Oops, my mistake I guess. Anime nerds are usually thought to be acne-ridden, awkward individuals, with thick-rimmed glasses, braces, sometimes overweight, sometimes underdeveloped in weight, with a quiet disposition, and who usually wear paraphernalia commemorating their favorite characters and/or shows. While some of them may be like that, I know a fair few who aren't. People who watch anime probably feel the same way I do on some of this. Just because we like a style of art and the 'majesty' of plot doesn't mean that we are some type of strange and alien individual. It's all about taste; and if it's not your preference that's fine, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with appreciating another culture's form of art. As for those that think that Japan should just switch over to live action like us, I hope you realize that our gene pool in America is more diverse than that of Japan. There aren't too many actors in Japan that can portray someone from say, the United States, or Europe, or even South America. Anime is a way for the Japanese to explore the physical diversity that their country innately does not have in such excess. And there is honestly nothing wrong with that. I think they've found a great alternative to live action in order to support their media.

I have watched my fair share of animes. I've watched: Yu Yu Hakusho, Death Note, Trigun, Hellsing, Inuyasha, Cowboy Bebop, Elfen Leid, G Gundam, Ruroni Kenshin, Ranma 1/2, Bleach, Fullmetal Alchemist, Wolf's Rain, Gankutsuou, Fruits Basket, RahXephon, Fushigi Yuugi, Twelve Kingdoms, Read or Die, FLCL, Blood +, and I'm sure more that I just can't remember at the moment. And you know what? I'm sick of people thinking that's so strange! All right, so it's not for you, but why the hell do you have to voice your disapproval for me? I don't care if you like it or not, I think it's great, and it's a part of me that I don't think is changing.

I posted this whole big thing to get some frustration out, because I'm tired of feeling ashamed because I watch anime. I'm washing my hands of that right now, because there's nothing I need to be ashamed about. And while I may not bring my anime passion into everyday conversation (because inevitably people will be alienated by it), I think I'll put some of my favorite animes into my Favorite TV show section of facebook. They have every right to be there, and if someone doesn't like it, that's fine... they can keep their neverending primetime series that goes on for upwards of ten years, and I'll take my short and sweet plot that leaves me satisfied by the end of it. They both may be different, but in all honesty, I think it's unfair that one has to be a guilty pleasure when the other is considered normal.

Anyway, that's my two cents on the matter. If you read all of this, thanks for sticking with it. Even if you completely disagree and think I'm full of shit, it means a lot that you got to the end. =)

Hopefully my next post will be something on the lighter side. ^_^